Cold August Night 2014. Whiplash from the Supermoon.

Today was cold and strange. Some stuff was acting out for me and bringing up the "oldies and coldies", that is like hints and wafts of those memories that you just can't put a finger on and define. Strong but silent, without form or voice, they tip-toed back into my space, like forgotten ghosts from books that you cant remember.

I'd read that this last supermoon was up to even bigger tricks this time.  I know that it's time to get under the floorboards to drive out those skeletons. All week I had been scourging and decluttering,  for my life to get rid of the creeps, and really get started.

Actually a lot of smoke bombs were thrown into my path. This week has been strange for me in both an intensely practical and in a surreal way. In some ways I had not even been in control of my thoughts or actions, and I found myself  acting out and responding to a flurry of heated situations that have been bombarding me, blowing up in my face and then falling like dust into nothing.

So after me putting out big effort into this living thing.... it was a surprise when....

....today became a non starter, and then after a "big nothing going on", it cascaded into a "not happening tonight either" event.  Ok, so its hard to climb down from big stress, to zero. Adrenalin is funny like that. It stays in the system because there has been no actual Fight or flight, to fight or flee.



So I just sat in the garden with some wine, and started taking some photos to record the August evening.

I felt abandoned somehow, I couldn't explain the feeling, even though it is a creepy cobweb of a feeling that nostalgically drops by every now and again.  I left the house to walk. Partner and kids, each and all, in their various cubby holes, watching a screen, laughing or hooked into the wall socket of their choice. Me, not wanting to cook,  because it has now become a mundane cheerless chore,  saunter off to get some food
off-line.

 I walk to to the Indian and ordered some byrianis.

Then I leave to  walk around the park for fifteen minutes. I take some photos.

The park was not empty, some people were jogging, some with their dog's, others with children in the play area. But it was getting dark. I had a strange empty feeling as I strolled along.

Then I heard some music in the distance. As I got closer it was very familiar to me.  Someone was having a party in a house backing onto the park. I kept walking till I got to a bench near to where the music was loudest.  I sat down on the bench, alone in the twilight,  and in an instant was rushed back to 1995. The music playing was what I was listening to at that time. Nearly 20 years ago. How totally surreal. I was flooded with images and thoughts, and faces of the people and situations in my life then, which are very very different to those in my life now.

Feelings came whooshing back and flooded me as I was fixed to the bench. I  began to realise that the weirdness I had felt earlier today was a reflection of the recurring and intermittent strangeness that has been  around for me some 20 years.

It was and continues to cycle around me,  disappearing then reappearing.

 The music that I had come accross this evening, as I sat enthralled on the park bench was booming through me, and I loved it immediately all over again, it filled the gap. Once again it was soothing a sadness.

 I sat for a long time, just letting this music swim through and around me.

 It was soothing me in the way it had done all those 20 years ago.


I began to feel like there was only a blink of an eye between that time and this moment, and that nothing really had changed.  I was the same person,  with the same set of scenarios, blinking back at me like traffic lights.

Or have I moved on? Am I still doing what I was doing then? Or is it a  New play,  same scene but different cast?
Or did I get old?  Or did I get to where I was supposed to get? Was I supposed to get here? Is that the plan?
Did I learn what my soul intended for me? Am I now in harmony with my spirit? Am I now myself?

I found the very same music that brought be back tonight on Youtube, and so I posted a few tracks, for posterity, and to remind me to ask myself     "Am I prepared to be myself?".and to also ask, "Whats stopping me from being myself".

This music brought be back to a time in 1995,6,7 before I was a parent and living a very different life in the Midlands before I returned to London in 1999.

 Some things, however, just don't change.

Music posted to follow, SWV and Brownstone.