Forgiveness is a necessary requirement in order to reach our innermost riches is a given, but do we really get it?
I begin to understand now that mostly we intellectualise the concept of Forgiveness. I see now that verbally intentioning forgiveness in thought or affirmation in a ritual, included in clearing space before meditation and healing isn't enough. I have for years, worked on forgiveness towards others, and cleared those dark places.
With the incoming energies designed to enlighten and uplift mankind, are the buckets of water that are being thrown over us. We cannot be uplifted until every darkness is washed off our inner diamonds.
These last two weeks I have found new stuff to clean. Without going into details, I finally, surrendered and gave up trying to intellectualise just what was going on. Everything to do with my energy was just shot to pieces and I was exhausted. Then a smallish thing happened that I could not explain. Simply, I had bought some shopping from a health shop which came to £72. I paid by card and left the shop. At this point I must say that this is an amount of money that, according to my bank balance, I really couldn't afford but I was feeling that the products would help the frequency vibration of our family. I had a few things to do and places to go so it wasn't until much later that night I decided to unpack the shopping. However I could not find it anywhere in the house. I called up the friend I was with when I was in the shop and also I was with for the next few hours. I asked if I had left the bag in her car or in her house, we had gone back to her house later that afternoon for me to do a reading for her. She checked and called me back saying the shopping was definately not in her house or car. The next morning, yesterday, I called the shop. They remembered me because some of the items had been on order for me to collect, but my bag of shopping had not been left on the counter after I had left the shop. I was confused now. I had planned a day in London as it is still the summer holidays for us, so in a mixture of bemusement and nearly crying with the waste of money, I had to just leave it at that and get on with my day.
The next day, today, I finally had time and space to delve into this "problem". I just couldn't get the issue of leaving a bag filled with some wonderfully healthy products, that had cost me a small fortune, some place that I couldn't remember, out of my mind. This was not like me. I was getting angry with myself. So I gave myself a card reading and using my agate heart pendant for a pendulum, I dowsed.
Did the shop have the bag unknowingly? No.
Would I get the bag of shopping back? No.
Am I supposed to learn from this ? No.
I decided to do some journalling and then maybe if prompted, some automatic writing. I began to journal about the last two weeks, since my return from Ireland, and about me being overwhelmed and exhausted. I had been pushing myself, without much joy, and with mainly grim determination to get certain things done. I had set myself and been set by others, certain, 'difficult to achieve with a smile and grace' duties and responsibilities. I was becoming more and more irritable. My lifestyle situation was causing me despair and as I rambled on with my thoughts and writing, I found myself pausing to dowse the question:
Is this (loosing the bag of shopping) about Forgiving myself? the answer came, "Yes".
In that moment, I softened as I knew I had experienced this "event" in order to experience the need to forgive myself. I had been angry with myself, for the stupidity of loosing the shopping bag containing these products, that I had soothed myself into buying for their healthy value and 'high energy worth', and also the BIG waste of money. As I softened, I actually saw the unfolding, like a short black and white subtitled film, of the pattern that I had been oblivious to.
A pattern of not being kind to myself, of being dismissive of myself, of belittling myself, of low worth, etc, etc. The pattern was all about expecting a standard that was easy to become overwhelmed with, and then getting angry with myself for being, tired, irritable, resentful. The pattern just cascaded into my lap so to speak
I was unforgiving of myself for falling short of most if not all of these expectations. Then I was getting mired in the cycle of "unforgiveness", and the "shame" or "guilt" that comes with being unforgivable. I really had to sit with this and watch this film, actually more like "feel" this film. The film's subtitles were not words as such, but silent phrases of emotions that repeatedly bombarded me as I watched. The fact is, that pattern had its origins, unrelated to this event, embedded in my reactions to events going back some 20 years if not more.
But I had not recognised that this was a pattern that had become for me, an emotional self language. It was a silent soundtrack, now hard wired into my endocrine system and was calling the shots.
This negative self speak affects the body by creating conditions causing the release of certain hormones. The fight or flight hormones call for the body to get ready for something dangerous or scary. The endocrine gland system actually gives the body the chemical messages about our inner environment that cycle back to relate to the brain. The brain then draws on certain lenses that are in sympathy or efficient to deal with the information that it is receiving from the body. We then see or "create a vision of the world we experience " using the lens of "somethings wrong", or whatever the pattern evolves into and the subsequent lens that then becomes fixed with repetition. This external survey of the "outer experience" then feeds back to the internal body that 'somethings wrong' and the pattern is stuck in a reinforcing loop.
Generally we don't know we are doing it. We are unconscious and we need to wake up to what we do, think and say to ourselves and others.
It is the same as eating crap food, if our bodies don't expel it, immediately after eating it, for example by explosive vommitting, we don't get that the food is doing the opposite of nourishing the body. It's only when we learn about how eating crap food for years has perhaps caused us the disease we are now suffering from that we know whats going on. And then of course, that is another thing to be angry about.
So, in summary, UnForgiveness of the self may be an issue that you don't know you have.
It may take quite a few bags of shopping to be left in places that you cannot remember, to be angry with yourself, in just the appropriate quantities, in order to figure out that you are "so totally stupid and careless".
THEN you have to get to the stage where : you need to figure out why you just can't stop being
'resentful and angry about how nothing is working out for you',
and
'why you must be going crazy because this world stinks'.
Then when you begin to feel the "hint of self disgust" that you cannot even keep hold of a bloody bag of shopping, ( Its that hidden, creepy and slimy self despising feeling) that should warn you, there is something inside that needs to be worked on.
The inner rumblings of the hormones, and the silent secret language is repeatedly sending messages to reinforce a cycle of self defeat and sabotage. That is the time to try to observe the ramblings of your silent inner language, and then finally it is time to see the patterns for what they are. Of course this is, hopefully, well before the credit card is taken off you by the bank.
The final act is then acknowledging that you have been berating yourself for so long that it has become your normal, self-speak language.
So, be both :
the one who forgives the self for berating it (the berated one) and also be the one that has been doing the berating and forgive the one who has been making all those human mistakes,
that is what they mean when they say be softer with yourself . You get to forgive yourself and you get to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a tricky but wholehearted thing. Sit with yourself in totality. Write, journal, dowse, try automatic writing, have some healing. Be kind.
We can use the act of forgiveness on others but rarely know that we must forgive ourselves. It can be a lifetime thing.
Affirmation: I forgive myself and free myself in forgiveness.
Oh, one more thing.
If something (an issue, a negative pattern, a deeply hidden emotional pain or trauma) is ready to be released, your life will be blessed with breadcrumb clues for it to be seen.
It will want to drive it home to you, until you are finally ready to see it, acknowledge and heal it. It will keep running and jumping out at you until you finally see it. Nearly always, the softening that comes with the act of forgiveness will be a necessary feature.
There are three aspects to forgiveness.
Forgiveness of the self, by the self. Forgiveness of others by the self. Forgiveness of the self by others. To forgive releases a healing dynamic which changes the frequency of vibration (of all involved, aka the bigger picture), from lower to much higher, its a win-win situation.

Further to this : 
please see my later post entitled, Synchronicity of the crystals : Amazonite