I also repost from other articles and other people's blogs posts that have validated, confirmed or explained in some way my ideas or feelings or that just appear to me and that resonate with what I need to read at that time, often as a balm to my human self trying to let its butterfly out.
So I talked about my healing of barriers around my heart which caused the painful "restrictions and limitations" that I experienced constantly. I mention this now because I didn't know trully that they were there, so deep and in my 'skin and bones'. This is why deep inner work helps unveil what we are doing and why. We can only see the patterns of what when and how we do things, when the 'pain' or other awkward emotions come up that make us feel, uncomfortable, distorted, exhausted through effort, depressed (again), down trodden (again), a victim ((again).
So to give an example to shed light on this here is a brief insight of my own.
This year has been excruciatingly exhausting for me. I am sure EVERYone has similar experience of one kind or another.
One part of this was having to move my family from my our home. My landlord wanted to sell up.
It is crazy how prices of houses and renting are increasing with every breath that investors, estate agents, landlords and bankers take. It goes without saying that most of us are under an ever increasing burden of financial stress.
So the problem was not in finding an affordable home, because of course they do not exist in this area or indeed in this part of the country, maybe even countrywide. So affordable housing, for people out of the welfare system, Does Not exist in society today. Ever increasing people coming into this country must be flabbergasted at the extortionate rates that they are expected to pay to have a roof over their heads.
No, the problem was to find the money to match the extortionate amount we were required to rent a house in area near to where my teenagers go to school.
Also my eldest was doing his GCSE exams which has become a horrendously stressful time for a parent.
Eventually I find a way to get get just under £10,000 in order to Move my family from one house to another four roads away.
Between myself and my partner, and with the teensiest help from a few skulking teenagers, we begin the moving process. The dates allowed us an overlap period of one week, between taking keys for the new house, and giving keys back for the old house. The time period of packing cleaning, clearing, shuttling, shoving, moving, upheaval, shifting, scrubbing, lifting etc etc went on for over 4 weeks. Flat out, and exhausted, and moving between two houses to ensure the old was emptied cleaned, and scrubbed, and the new was filled and somehow our lives be put back together again.
I look back now and saw that we wer living in strange place of exhaustion but steaming ahead with adrenaline and stress. It was also during the hottest summer month that London had seen for a very long time. I turn completely on automatic pilot and could not see myself under the immensity of what we had to get done. The emotional, mental spiritual and physical strain was draining. I was crying out for a rest, a trip to beach, just to get some sea and beach but we had no spare money. I see now that I will close down when I am overwhelmed. I restrict and limit what I let in and what I give out.
Just at the moment we could begin to recover, another huge impact occurred and I had to devote much of time going between my newly-moved-into-house with boxes still unpacked, my mother with Multiple sclerosis, in her home in another part of London and my father in Hospital, in yet a different part of London, now dying of cancer. My mother needs care herself and the situation is very complicated. They are both in their eighties.
Each time I came back to my new home, I didn't like it. It was a place we were forced to take on huge financial stresses and I hadn't had time to get used to it, or to adapt to the strangeness of it. It was just another pain in the neck to be dealt with, in the spaces between being a dutiful daughter and getting done all the chores that I needed to do for my own family, before I ran out the door again, to meet the ever increasing demands of a cancer wrapped situation.
It is beginning to recede now.
I see that I am an Aquarian sun sign, so it can be difficult for me, but also my rising sign is Cancer, which means that when people see me they see a Cancerian, a home loving and family orienatated person. Also the RISING sign, also known as the ASCENDING sign, whatever that is for any of you, is the sign that holds the key for your ascension. It holds the challenges that will allow you to expand through and to ascend through. So my family and home life challenges (cancer rising sign) provides me constantly, with challenges that frustrate the life out of my Aquarian sun sign.
But this Cancerian challenge of "Loving home and family" was doubly confounded by the fact that I was working, unknowingly, through the barriers that were strapped around my heart. These barriers
provided the coping mechanism and self preservation That my little child self (aged 3or 4 years old) decided she needed to form for protection from the harshness of the human life that she found herself in.
Without knowing, I grew the habit of holding my breath when involved in stress or challenges. I had no trust that I would be OK. I had to march on regardless, not taking a breath, and in grim determination. I found life hard. sad, and so I studied the psyche, trying to make sense of it. I became a healer and intuitive artist. I do medium work. I developed my psychic abilities. I am a completely different person to the one I was not only 50 years ago, but a different person to what I was 40 years ago, 30 years ago, 10 years, 5 years, and even 1 year ago.
I am even so very different to the person I was back in March of this year. Begging for a holiday, and In need of a massive healing. So the massive healing came through the process of the exhaustive and stressful challenges unfolding during these last months. The massive healing is hard work. You have to participate fully in it.
So anyway, back to one week ago, I did the meditative and healing work to look at my patterns without judgement, and just as I recorded in my post: 3rd October, Woodpecker's message of opportunity, Unicorn's guidance, and Bob Marleys love.) SO MANY things also fell into place and I really understood whats been happening with me.
The restrictions pulled down the lens of pain, and when energy leaves the heart or comes to the heart through the lens of pain, it isn't going to be the best experience. It is going to be a love that is distorted and conditional.
So when you don't know you are doing this, you don't know why even the most normal of things feel exhausting and you want to limit and restrict your exposure to them. Its all because you are experiencing through the lens of pain, buried so deeply that you don't know it is there, or that it is effecting everything you do and how you see life.
Of course these things are only brought to our attention, (by us), when they become really "alive and scary" and even more ramped up during a repeat cycle. So just to be sure, it is when a certain "type of situation that causes us to react in such a way" boomerangs back into our waking lives screaming at our waking consciousness you can be sure that it is the right time to deal with whatever is going on below the surface.
It should happen when we have the skills and insight, and non judgement values that allow us to see it for what it is, without us beating ourselves up for having had such awful inner demons that delayed our progress or sabotaged us for so long. Remember most of this stuff is inner child, inner teenage and inner young adult coping mechanisms. You would NOT beat a child up for wanting to protect him or herself.
Remove the restrictive flow from, and through, the heart by healing the patterns of living through a lens of pain. These patterns are now so very outdated.
As I sit in my new garden today I see that by doing that inner work and dissolving the barriers around my heart, and dropping the restrictions and limitations as to WHAT it allows into and out from the heart. By removing patterns that want to place Restrictions on "What type of 'love' and 'energy'" means that we stop having to measure and judge (with limitations) and filter out what comes in to us and what goes out from us. Once the fear is healed We can be safe to allow ourselves to once again feel everything.
When you can stop living through the exhaustion of a limited flow of "trust in life/love" the immensity of of the pain lens dissolves so that you can see things again clearly.
Stress is an incredible force. It can kill you. But it is better, even life enhancing, to observe or reflect on yourself and how you react to stressful or challeging situations. Let your reactions tell you what patterns of "resisting the flow of life and love" you have allowed yourself to default to.
The Stress is receding.
When I sit in my garden I actually can see so many birds; a woodpeckers (the same one keeps coming back day after day), pigeons, robins, thrush, magpies, crows. bright green cockateels (?) flocks of sea gulls, and an eagle (Kite?).
I see all the autumn colours and apples on the trees.
I see my new home is actually really nice and I want to hygge* it and my life.
where Hygge* means hug.
Michaela.
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