From my email to Hope, Friday 11th December.

 When I was out walking it started get darker, and I Was thinking about the dark of mid winter, and walking around this old park with a layer of  spooky fog. 

What came up is that I have to embrace my dark. 

Like we are all a mix of luke skywalker and Darth Vader. They both are equal parts of the force BUT everyone wants to be the luke skywalker and keep their darth vader hidden. 

But embracing them both is balancing and expansion. keeping them seperate and being afraid of the dark side means you have to spend a lot of energy keeping it down hidden and suppressed. So suppressing the anger for god knows how long means I used up all my energy doing so, ( money is burned keeping the dark under wraps)...Rememner I said the mould in the house was Me feeling sorry for myself, well anger itself must have been the map that was leading me up and down into and out of these places...i think that's how you walk through your karma. 

so its not even anger management classes i need, but 'see your anger' classes.

I came back to Edgware for many reasons. This is one. 

Coming back to the place of me, the 18, 19,20, 21 year old stepping into adult life, with no  guidance and no idea, or plan, or anything really just falling into and out of situations.

Coming back to see how far I had moved, and to look at the anger thing again. The darth vader.

coming back here to look at things deeper.

I couldn't go anywhere else until i wrap this up..If I am carrying unresolved anger then that is what I create from. So i need to see it, to see why i keep creating paths of frustration. Its no point trying to create a lovely seaside cottage at this point.

 I'd be bringing my unprocessed Darth Vader with me, and live in misery and loneliness because that is the energy lashing out from inside that needs to be seen...