3/5 .......Forbidden memory, covered up with lies (or flies). On a personal level, the first half of this year for me was grief. A very physical thing happened, a death that allowed me the space to grieve, but also brought with it, a deluge of grief, from other moments that had not been allowed the chance to be processed and grieved. So began the deluge of memories that poured out...a flooding of distinct and indistinct, memories and half memories, and for which the overwhelm was demanding and painful. But like a flood, there is the clearing up after. When a town is flooded, all the debris and things that furnish a town having been lifted up in the dark waters, but then are left sodden on the wet ground to be found and sorted through...to be reclaimed or returned. Certain things for me, which I attempted to write down a few weeks back, but which was too intense and so in depth and required a lot of patience, soul searching and days of time, to actually fully write out... was therefore too much of task to post. Everybody has their own stuff to process in their own ways. Yet this deluge can allow some stuff to be weeded out, as 'bad seed' memory, or as 'bad memory' seeds.... that have trajectories into the present life stories, giving bias and leaning you in one way, too much for too long. A brief glimpse into this is an example of one where I have memory of being a very young child...3 or 4 years old. I am on the see-saw with my sister who is two years older. We are Alone in the park. She bounces the see-saw high, one minute I am high up in the air, and in the next I am falling off the sea-saw. As I go up in the air and come down head first to hit the ground I have the picture of a big old oak tree Upside down, imprinted in my vision (which still remains today). Then nothing- it is blank. What happens next is my sister, only a little girl herself, must make her way home to tell our mother and leave me unconscious and unattended in the park...We are in a park that is a good 15 minutes walk where we live. So apart from the obvious shock and horror, running and an ambulance arriving..... a big time lapse ensues.... Between me being awake, with my sister, and then the fall from being UP high, and seeing the tree upside down---- to where i wake up with a bandage on my head. In that time of being alone, the consciousness of babyhood/young childhood, (or maybe the baby ego) has managed to narrate or conjure up a frightening 'feeling only' story to my child's psyche, of being alone, abandoned, hurt and in danger.....But where the memory has faded to, 'did that really happen?' The babyhood narration remains more intensely as ''the attachments'' than the memory, as the memory will always fade. . The ego has a script of being in danger that was never processed, and so never released from.. (and possibly because of being seeded at that time with such force, grew, and so was grimly reinforced by other and later events)...but the seeding was from a self-protective ego worry, and what happened or didn't happen to me during that time frame of being left alone... would be the same thing happening or not happening to any young baby child left alone and abandoned in a park, whether she was awake and conscious of it, or not...(Trauma cracking open a young psyche) I also have memory(?) of seeing me, the baby child on the see-saw and fall, from the perspective of someone watching. Was I there as the watcher also? Or Did my baby mind conjure up that image of watching the event, to give some kind of containment, or safety to it, or some kind of account of it, ??? So that i could put it somewhere safe, which became necessary due to the fact of being unconscious the whole thing is very nebulous, and demanded a structure for me to land it somewhere in my psyche. The point is there are many dangers in this world, both seen and unseen, hidden in the dark and hidden in bushes. But there was also a trial involved in this, at a young age where there was.... superimposed upon a blank slate, a bad seed memory, (or a bad memory seed) which became something leaving an indelible mark on my psyche, being alone and abandoned and which probably forced out an instant unfurling of my spidey senses for danger all around me, and where the upshot is a super sensitivity to energy and the hidden (unseen) dangers all around.....This is where the ego's good intentions to alert you to all the dangers, seen and unseen, have trajectory into the future to become a dark burden. Even though the memory for me is only of the tree being upside, the rest of story , even though I know it to be true too, was never spoken of again by my sister and my parents...life goes on, and these things happen...But there was never a parent handling the situation for the child to process the darkness and fear, the fright and nebulous, nor the random violent confrontation with death. So what remained was the intense whisper of memory trails....showing me that I could see the event from being both the perspective of the child on the see-saw, and as a watcher looking on from the playground. It is indelibly recorded in me somewhere. The bad seed of a truth that went unprocessed...there was Not a chance for adults to help 'make good' a wound sprung into the well of a child, and to help heal the pool of darkness and confusion that drifted wider and wider during the time taken between it happening and to wake up with a bandaged head. This was the 60's in London, and everyone is busy with their role, being in London in the 60's. No therapy for council kids. So as it was never spoken about, and the child was never asked/or allowed to express anything about it, The head healed in the bandage but the indelible imprint was never healed. The baby child was never validated or reassured, because people didn't or couldn't relate to their children as being sentient beings, and the unconscious is the unknown, therefore forbidden as having a say in anything. So even though I woke up, and had forgotten the whole thing...the unspoken and unprocessed trauma became the 'bad' seed, from which grew many tentacles into the future.. Was this early EVENT one where abandonment and being alone was inserted into my memory complex, and if so WHY? Maybe it was a choice point on my part, from my sou'ls perspective, to open up a can of worms and make the child learn to walk through an enchanted forest of trees. Where the branches created were only the result of being touched by the magic of that indelible memory. That these nebulous Memories can form trajectories into the present, where we get to see them and decide if we want them to come into the future..... A Random accident (yeah in the 60's! no doubt).... OR...inserted into the timeline to bring about the initiation into life and death and the ensuing voyage into the underworld, interjecting and changing an otherwise different life story ? Yeah that is possibly true too, you'd have to ask my soul. BUT the final thing is this....having the memory is one thing, but the attachment that grew out of it is quite another. The bad memory seed, is a seed of a bad memory, and when let run amok, it will grow tentacles and create the havoc that your soul decided it needed to experience. Possibly to clear the passage way in this life from all the (other/previous) lifetimes of unprocessed soul grief and abandonment, etc etc.... you've got to feel it to heal it. I can't think of any other reason that we would carry indelible pains, not seeing where they came from. Not to judge but to give compassion for, and to wave a fairy wand over the wound to release the attachment/tentacles/branches that grew from it......AND It takes an ADULT (grown through the forest, and come out the other side) to hold the inner child's hand to do that. Michaela