****Life review or Life edit. Writing started 19th Jan, just before the 20th January eclipse, to set intention ~ and completed today 22nd January !!! (Note to Self) My conversation with my Mars. Contraction to Expansion. And written after contemplation of, and in relation to todays Blog:" STILL NOT SURE ABOUT THE 'SELF~ LOVE' THING? Where feeling sorry for yourself is the lower octave of self love, and with a big inner push, it can grow into SELF LOVE. " This is a long dialogue with myself and Mars so it may not be to everyone's taste in blog reading! ~~ Michaela.~~ Last words from Astrograph "Along with this you find as well, with Mars, the belly fire to put it all into your power to effect change, by applying your will power, action and choice. Your trick is to continually look for and build energetic bridges from idealistic visions of high apple pie in the sky hopes, to making very real moves in the direction of what you most value and want in your life."

End point ( I know this is the beginning but these are notes to myself.) The energies I woke to this morning were both strong and soft, again another night of unfolding energies blessing the body in which I sleep.

         It is about transformation to 'Self Love' to be the sustainable self,  the you of the I AM...
                 ~~ and the transformational processes you go through to get there,~~
                                    ~~ and growing the wings to get you there.~~
        Once there, you form a 100% self sustaining pulsating unit, where self is part of the whole of                                   the I AM, and is your I AM aspect of the ALL THAT IS.

Mars helps to ignite the 'Belly fire' to do this. Wherever Mars is actioning, it is this pushing that makes clear the way for your Sun's coming home.

I seriously recommend this video as it helped me yesterday in gaining momentum with self love and understanding that it is important to find what "fills your cup," which is Ceres at 16 mins.
LUNAR ECLIPSE FULL MOON IN LEO ASTROLOGY - Jan 2019
   https://inspiredheart8.blogspot.com/2019/01/lunar-eclipse-full-moon-in-leo_21.html


So anyway, back to the blog.  I started to journal this on 19th, and have just kept adding to it.

 Life review, or life edit.

What is popping up for you right now?
What inner door is opening for you to look into right now? Analysis of my 4th House Situation.

The mould in my house, is an issue that has been parallel to moving in here two half years ago..and coinciding with being driven out of my mind with dealing 4th house stuff, home and family.
My father becoming seriously ill, dealing with that and helping my mum, then mum getting ill, many issues with Kids stuff at home and at school...The great despair in making a quick move to a house home that wasn't really what I wanted~ moving from rental to another rental and was downsizing to a house that we couldnt fit into...Contraction ~ making a rush decision~ a Mars stratedgy, and me becoming iller, and iller, and having to investigate the stress response... but not seeing how deep it was. The mould is showing me that the issues are getting worse and will keep coming back until i resolve it, or so I thought.

Resolving things is my middle name. A problem or imperfection drives me mad... The issues are opening up wider for me to look into.

 The issue is being compelled into action... because I do not know how to turn off the Mars battle into action...in my 4th house.

 4TH HOUSE This is the house that relates to the sign of Cancer, and its Latin motto genitor translates to “parent”, as if it was on a mission to show the importance of one person that made us feel at home, no matter if it is our actual parent or simply – ourselves.

So, back to where my mars is in my fourth house, which for me is Virgo.
I see that my action, is my Mars and is all focused in the 4th house, home and family. Well that makes bloody sense to me. My Action Mars, is fueling the sense of imperfection as perceived in my Virgoan house.

My Mars action is constantly in a state of battle to sweep out Imperfection and annihilate the pests. It has become like an 'autoimmune disease', where it never rests.

My action is all about this, leaving my dreams to fail because any actionable action has been given over to clearing the 4th house situation.

My Mars has made this my battle camp and so I can never just rest there. It is where I stratedgise and lay plans for battle. The autoimmune part is where it becomes inbalanced. Each 'member' within the 4th house of home and family is both someone to protect, but also a soldier in my battle, this then turns topsey turvy when they become the source of problems and so the battle turns inwards and they become the enemy to the harmony and perfection (Virgo) of my 4th house.

It has become so that I cannot rest in this house...neither in my mothers house, with my mother, nor really at my sister's house with my sister.  Here in this house, my home with my partner and children...each presence means that I have to be in action appropriate to my 4th house...and with Mars fueling it very soon becomes a pushing and forcing energy and I get pulled out of any lull, any day dream, and planning for anything else, and I have to get back to what feels like battle mode....Mould in the house, lots of stuff that were once things that were loved, now become 'things to get rid of' more stuff, more pests, more clutter...But looking at most of it, it is accumulated in a Virgoan way of..this is good, helpful, beautiful this will make life perfect. And in the Virgoan way of being health aware and 'hypocondriacal', more stuff is brought in to 'make things better, make life better and elixirs, pebbles, tonics, vitamins, books, spiritual clutter are collected as talismans for health and to get that perfection, perfect energy in the home for each individual...Such as " I can store this for when we have plague, TB, a broken leg, arthritis, pain". I collectbooks on  Herbs,  all anticipating a health battle of somekind...My Mrs Mars is taken control from the stratedgist of Mrs Virgo who is always finding something wrong...and cannot rest, walking the 4th house, seeing whats missing, whats needed to inject an ingredient that will add to a sense of perfection. My ascending sign is Cancer, and my moon is Capricorn, All generals in my 4th House Battle. No time for my Aquarius Sun sign to do her thing.

If I have a cigarette outside in the garden it is because it is the one place where I get a moment to relax, but also it is a symptom of a general in battle mode, stratedgising her plans to Get things right. There is no respite...as soon as someone from my fourth house comes into view, I am back in action...'Mars'ing around...
Also I do try to look outside my 4th house for other avenues in life but the motivation I get outside the home is soon swiftly washed away as Mrs Mars takes control back in the battlefield. No action potential is diverted to my Aquarius, who can only steal time in concealed fashion.

My 'Mrs Mars' perceives the action required in these 4th house interactions, as conflict, and as she takes that which is not deemed perfect by Mrs Virgo, she is always on duty to 'feel in' to find ways to remove/isolate/and action resolution to these conflicts..Action means never resting. My battle weary Mrs Virgo,  who is the one who senses the imperfections is always bolstered by Mrs Mars, so between them there is always issues pending or something to stratedgise... or action,  there is never  a complete sense of completeness. No rest.

My stress response is from this...it is like a fight or flight Adrenalin response...I don't eat well at home, at my mum's house even, where I am also the General there, I only rest, eat and sleep when she is asleep...Mrs Mars is standing guard.. I eat better at my sisters where she is the general in charge, and I just visit a few days,  but because it is still a situation within my 4th house of 'home and family', I still feel the unease and can't just relax, and just be myself, when in company there, I just fit into a role engendered from years of practice, way down the pecking line. I wonder now if these people associated with me in my 4th house actually 'feel' these energies coming off me.

I know my daughter has told me off for being stressed in the past and I have 'worked hard' to reduce stress response...(again an implied imperfection to my 4th House) but now I can see where it is in my skin and bones...it is  pulsing through me from the stars in my chart.

I feel better having left each of the houses and going out into the fresh air..outside and freedom from my stress response that only really  kicks in when I am in a 'home and family' situation or event. But less so when someone else is in charge of operations of that situation or event.

I feel a pull of 'get back to work', not to rest, be in charge. Things that were a comfort will soon become something that irks me...I don't know how to rest and relax with myself and others in my home, I am instantly on duty...I was looking for an 'outside the home'  alternative avenue to bring my energies to, because all my energies just get swooshed down a stress response here at home. It sometimes consumes me. But when looking for a job outside, I see I have no dynamic energy to divert to it, and just come back to the home situation even more exhausted and as I work with 'home battle weary' fatigue...and then even more stuff become problems.

I woke with the ending of a strange dream a few days ago...in the dream it was dark and there was a feeling of having too many things around me..in a Virgoan way of trying to make improvements, but the feeling in the dream was that all things, items, books, crystals etc, were just nods to the perception of something  not being right, and having to fixsomething or anticipate needing them...and each of  these items were a tool to resolve what was currently not right.

Then later I saw the connection to Mars in my 4th house. There was a lack, and my Mars steps in to get the action done...but it only creates conflict and reveals imperfections and I can't relax, until this is done, and this repeats in cycles..

The Fourth House in Virgo

The fourth house cusp in Virgo points out to the lack of something in their primary home. Whether it is love or approval, there always seems to be something that needs to be fixed, changed, or nurtured in their soul, as if it was a bit damaged from the start. This isn’t a position that necessarily speaks of emotional hurt, as much as it speaks of emotional lacking, and one’s inability to reach the point of perfection in their emotional world that will finally allow them to be truly satisfied. Very often, this comes as a consequence of a deeply cold relationship with the parent of opposite sex, or a rational bond that leaves too much room for personal improvement, leaving one never satisfied with their own accomplishments. The greatest thing this position brings through genes is incredible intellectual strength and strong mental powers that one will be able to use, probably until their dying day.

I want this to be eclipsed by the January 20th 21st eclipse.

Sunday 21st. Fire in the belly. Mars.

So I was musing about all this last night, at my mothers, in between making dinner and laundry, I sat outside with my cigarette and had a chat with Mars..who actually spoke back to me. I said I wanted to use my Mars energy to open up and action into other areas of my life. It is in my 4th house of family and home and so I said I want Mars to action in, me finding balance and peace in me, myself (my true home) and to 'action' towards 'finding' and creating a beautiful life, and if most of my action is in 4th house, then that is where the beautiful life lies (Me, my home, house, family)  and so I asked for positive action in this creation.

Mars said to me: "How do you think you found the energy to do everything you needed to do? With the emphasis on 4th house elements it is obvious where you needed transformation. You came from a poor 4th house, and wished to recreate a better 4th house, that calls for energy, transformational and actional Mars energy."

I asked about the mould in my rental house and was told "It is like a by-product of a strenuous chemical reaction, in which gas and water is given out during the reaction as by-products. In the years gone by, and likening this with a strenuous chemical reaction, there has been a layering of emotional responses to the strenuous physical and emotional demands. So what has been the last few years of constriction and CONTRACTION, blasting through you, in the form of physical demands and emotional restructuring, so too, there has been a gas and water by-product. There has been a Mars drive to accomplish this momentum and you have been taken for a massive restructuring ride and there the strains and stresses resulted in you "feeling sorry for yourself ," but having no time or ability to 'know' or acknowledge this,  is the slow seepage of the water (emotions) released. It tended to be hidden and get trapped, both in the internal and later the external, which soon becomes evident as a physical manifestation such as water trapped in walls. The emotion seepage was ignored, because you did not have the capacity to deal with the slow seeping 'self pity' for yourself in such drastic scenarios while I, Mars, was busy actioning forward the battle cry of transformation.

How did you do everything,  if not for me (Mars) I am in placement and so I work with the 'Virgoan instruction' that sees things are not perfect and, how would I begin to do this transformation if it were not that the transformation was required, and desired?

You were pushed to CONTRACTION from which you Find your EXPANSION. 

( NB I have written about contraction and expansion before, and need to find that post because it is something I know about).

You have a karmic contract with your mother to provide 4th house assistance for her too so that she too can have stability and loving care in her 4th house. You assist and you do not mind, this is not a fight, this is something you desired to do and agreed to do. She needed time to build her 4th house system and you provided the assistance. It is done from love and not from a Karmic debt as such, but from karma where we see a mutual point of transformation and balance and we can join in with each other to make it happen for each other. it is a loving agreement.

I was then reminded about  a Kundalini yoga class I went to the day before.  The energy released from that session was being recirculated and was indeed flowing through me and aiding the transformational process at this point in its evolution.

Mars told me " The Kundalini is the fire in the belly that when awakened can be propelled to transform and direct the required creativity." 

I have asked Mars to help in this directing of creativity and power to create a beautiful life. The HeArts Hub, I am hoping to build.  The stressful stage that I have come through was necessary to clear out the old programmes that cannot help in building a beautiful life, (also 4th house, me/ myself as my home is my HeArts Hub). And so while actioning through the conflict of undesired emotions and being immersed in strong Mars energy I was able to move through that transformation, but the....
'feeling sorry for myself' element could not find solace as it was 'this element' that had to be brought up to be seen eventually, not only...

..... as the byproduct of the unspoken/unheard whimpers of "why me?" what have I done" I have no support" and with nothing to answer them~ they remained unseen and so unresolved....
 ....but the by-products of the situation and their release from the inner system, the physical appearance in the physical world,  helps for them to be seen, heard, loved and understood, also their release into physical manifestation means the transformation is 'working itself out' out into the physical too. 

The  presence of the byproduct means that the 'chemical reaction of transformation' has indeed happened. 
Also Mars explained: "That the mould is present in your daughters bedroom informed you that there was something deeper in this, you thought it was something from her, an emotion that was being released, and so that gave you 'permission'......
     with her in mind, and her welfare, and your love of her...(rather than 'love of your self')...
  ...to action 'the determination to do something, something that would 'help' the 'lack' in her inner world. That she is your 'moon' child and  you knew it could be related to an interaction between you both, but you could not fathom what it was. She gets angry with you but she expresses it, from the fire in her belly. She has an intimate connection with your inner emotional system, as you did with your mother, but as your mother did not speak of her emotional situation, or perhaps was not aware of it, so you do not speak of yours, and perhaps too are unaware of it. But as it is there in your antennae, from your mother to you, so too it is there from you to your daughter nonetheless. 

As you  have a line into your mother's unspoken inner world of unvoiced emotion, so too does your daughter have a line into yours.

Mostly people are not aware of it. Unspoken and unconfirmed the emotions gleaned from 'the other' lay like opened post, where you can't action because you do not 'know' what to do with the fragments of emotion that stream into you from others close to you, i.e. In your 4th house of family and home. They are the unasked pleas and requests, unasked questions which therefore have no answers. The presence of the mould allowed for you to take action in the physical area of 'your daughter's emotions, for which you put passion and love into for her, for you 'do love' by your action. But in a sideways fashion, you are now acknowledging the unanswered question that forms from your 'feeling sorry for yourself' and wanting love. That love is answered by action which is why you action in a way to show your love. It is this unfolding and unfurling and blossoming out from ACTION to LOVE that is happening, and it is creating a great internal bubble of growth which is transformation and that which bubbles organic growth that is not seen as a physical growth on or outside the physical body but an organic (orgasmic) increase in size of the energy field you contain.  The fire in the belly fuels this. Kundalini, organic orgasmic growth. 

For you, the fire in the belly is ignited by Mars in your 4th house, the place at the centre of your transformation, which for you~ required it to be the 4th house, the house culmination of YOU home, 'heart of home = 'home and family' 4th House. 

The kundalini is now 'freed up to move to fuel from this 'centre', to reach other areas of life, but the fire in the belly is in your 4th house,  which is YOU as an accumulation of home and family, it is where your transformation has occurred and fuels other transformation.



I said thank you, and hoped that the Kundalini will fuel me forward in creating a beautiful house, home and me. I asked Mars to action me forward in this. Mars said "the transformation is all towards this end, where this end becomes a new beginning."  

And later today I came across this, which I posted in the full article earlier, from Astrograph.
Michaela.

There is also a strong component of transformative Pluto in this Eclipse configuration, reminding us that we must continue to let go, and then let go again, of outmoded habit patterns and even possessions that are no longer serving us. The icing on the cake is Mars, in his rulership in Aries, making a trine to Venus conjunct Jupiter, while Jupiter, in his own rulership of Sagittarius, is making a quite telling square to Neptune also in HIS rulership!! This strong presence of Neptune presents idealism and the potential for confusion, and yet also gives our whole entire situation wings to soar on. With this archetypal stew engaged, you will find hope, love, the recognition of intrinsic value in each and every being that you encounter, and spiritual connection. Along with this you find as well, with Mars, the belly fire to put it all into your power to effect change, by applying your will power, action and choice. Your trick is to continually look for and build energetic bridges from idealistic visions of high apple pie in the sky hopes, to making very real moves in the direction of what you most value and want in your life.